July 29, 2013

Fumbling Toward Independence


In some of the older books I have read like Little Women and Anne of Green Gables, young characters of talent who did not come from a family of means would have to go without a formal education once they reached a certain age, unless some wealthy aunt chose to take them abroad to study art or died and left them a bequest, which usually happened in a moment of crisis for the main character. Before the days of student loans, the future of young people was basically determined by their situation in life and whether their parents needed them to help provide for the family by going out into the world and finding suitable work. Now, whatever our social demographic our children generally live with us until they are finished high school, and in some cases, a local college course, and university is open to anyone with decent grades and the ability to apply for a loan.

When the student loan program was introduced in Canada in 1964 it provided thousands of young people from families of modest means, like myself, the opportunity to pursue their educational dreams. Most students lived as frugally as possible in sparse accommodations using milk crates as furniture and eating tuna and peanut butter to get by until their next care package from home arrived. They found jobs in summer, which rarely paid enough to fund another complete year of education, but they saved as much as possible and supplemented their savings with another loan. When the four years or more were over, they found work in their field and began their careers, paying off their loans month by month and gradually saving up for that first car that wasn't a rusty Datsun 210 or first home which was often their last home until they retired. Student life was simple and a bit of a struggle, but it was also fun and didn't seem to carry quite the financial weight that it seems to now. Paying for one's education provided an excellent transition into adult life and its inherent responsibilities.

If the television commercials of the past decade or so are to be believed, the onus is now on parents to save for their children's post-secondary education. One such ad depicts a man running and jumping over financial obstacles. A narrator says, "At fifty I didn't think I could ever retire. I had a mortgage, a struggling business to keep afloat and kids to put through university. But with the help of (insert financial institution here) I finally did it."  Apparently, it is no longer perceived to be enough to house, clothe and feed one's children until they reach the age of majority, we are expected to provide for them beyond that in order to save them from accruing massive debts of their own. Here is where I hold up my hand and say, 'Wait a minute,' because unless I win the lottery, my kids are paying their own way through life, and I should not have to feel guilty about that.

I advised my boys to begin saving for college in Grade eleven, putting half of their income from their jobs in a savings account. After his high school graduation, my eldest son, Ian had the wonderful opportunity to spend five weeks in Europe. The invitation came quite suddenly from a friend and he decided to spend his savings to go on the trip of a lifetime. We contributed what we could afford, which wasn't much, but he appreciated us helping him with the cost of his food. The trip was a life-changing experience for him and he came home not quite sure what to do next. He very much wanted to move to the city before too long, so, taking my advice he decided to take a year off, stay home and work to save again for college. He managed to find work in a local coffee place and by the following September he only had to take out a small loan to help fund his first term. He found a part time job at a music store in the city to help with his living expenses, but then was unfortunately laid off from his job in the low season. Through friends, we found him a good temporary job, and on a trip to visit him, we treated him to supper at a favourite Italian pizza place. He informed us that he had decided not to return to the college after Christmas. He resented the idea of borrowing more money for another term of college courses he felt he was just taking for the experience of it. He told us that unless he knew exactly why he was taking courses he didn't see the point in going into more debt. The news was a bit tough for me to swallow, but his dad and I understood his reasons for his decision. He wanted to work and be free to pursue his musical ambitions in the city. He knew what college was like, believed it had provided him with a good introduction to life on his own, and could go back at some point if he knew it would benefit him in a real way. When he came home for Christmas he received a call from his former workplace, the music store. He was offered a full time job. He took the job and has since been very active and happy doing what he is doing at this stage of his life.

Our second son will be off with his prized violin to study orchestral performance at a university in Vancouver this fall. Between the scholarships and bursaries he earned in high school and all the savings he has accrued working at a local cafe during his year off, he will be able to fund his first year. After that, he will most likely have to rely on student loans. Each year it will cost him many thousands of dollars and I know he will apply for whatever scholarships become available. He will also work in the summers and save as much as possible. It will certainly not be easy. The average summer job earns a student ten to twelve dollars per hour, and they are lucky to save enough over the summers to cover their tuition and books. Living expenses in Vancouver are high and I certainly feel the pressure to help our son in any way I can.

Admittedly, sometimes I wish my husband and I could afford to put our kids through school, to give them a financial headstart, but I know such a plan is unrealistic for us and the way we have chosen to live and support each other. Furthermore, and at the risk of appearing callous, I ask why we parents keep extending the rights of our children to claim us as their source of funding when they are adults?  If we truly have the means to fund their educations, pay for their fancy weddings and give them a down payment on their first home, then perhaps we should, but if we do not, then I would argue against the belief that we should feel obligated to sacrifice our own happiness to do so. My husband I have done and are doing our best to live good quality lives with our children - putting them in sports, music and drama lessons, feeding them nutritious homemade food, spending time with them and supporting them emotionally - while putting away a little for our own retirement. I had to make my way through school and make decisions in my young adult life based on the reality of my own financial situation, so why should not my children? My husband agrees. He started working in high school to pay room and board to his single mother, worked his way up into a successful retail career and then finally went to college at the age of twenty-seven.

As parents of moderate means we will support our children in the following ways as they enter the realm of adulthood: we will deliver the occasional care package to our sons, and if they run short of money for reasons other than they have spent too much on unnecessary things, we will do our best to help them. We will attend as many of their concerts and events as we can and cheer them on unobtrusively from our seats. We will let them know it is lovely to have them home for the Christmas holidays and will cook their favourite things. We will let them live at home rent-free in the summer if they choose to come home to work and save for the next year of college or university. We will be here for them if they need to call home and talk out a problem or give us some good news. In other words, we will continue to be their mom and dad who love them.

Yes, life is hard for kids in these days of pricey educations and an uncertain job market, but it was a lot harder before social programs, student loans, and flexible course schedules came along. My kids, like many others out there, are smart, creative and full of energy. They can do this! And I'm going to let them.

16 comments:

  1. the price of education is through the roof as well...its hard to think about considering our two boys are really only 8 years away...and i know we will never save enough...but i worked through college as well...and worked to pay for student loans after...i think there are many in the next gen that feel very entitled...and our culture has made it so...i think in many ways we have done a disservice in perpetuating it, so good on your for prepping them by having them save...its the reality of life...working for and saving for what we want...and sometimes not being able to get it til we do...

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts, Brian. When our youngest who is now eleven was born the Canadian government came up with a program to help parents save for university. If parents put a bit away every month in a registered plan, the government would add to it as an initiative. We decided to do it, and by the time she is graduated there will be a bit there for her to help her with tuition. It's a good program, although it came too late for my other kids, and saving for four kids was completely unrealistic in any case. I am on board about what you say about the next generation feeling entitled, but for some reason many in our generation have seemed unable to say 'no' to their demands and the culture perpetuates that parental approach. Our kids have earned a bit in another gov't program that rewards kids during their years from grades 10-12 with good grades. They apply it to their tuition in college or uni. Every little bit helps!

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  2. The cost of post-secondary education in this country is over the top! Really, unless you live in a location where there is a local university/college, it's almost impossible to afford. The cost of tuition is enough but when you have to pay for housing alongside the tuition it makes it out of reach for almost everyone. We, like you, left most of our kids' education costs up to them. We had a bit put aside for sure but certainly not enough to make post-secondary a given. Our oldest son just graduated from UBC a couple of years ago at the age of 37. When the time was right for him he found a way to make it work, which it didn't when he was 18. Independence is a tricky thing for both 'children' and their parents. I think you and Vern (once again) are on the right track. This blog will ring true with almost everyone who reads it Rebecca!

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    1. Yes, the housing is what really bites, Roxanne. Galen will live in residence and I am a bit shocked at the cost of that at UBC. However, living on campus will be so much better for him for the first year.
      I think we have to give our kids the freedom sometimes to figure out their own path without interference/help from us, which is where I was going with my paragraph about Ian. Your son is another example of that for sure. Growing up and facing reality head on is hard to do but it's rewarding, too.
      Thanks for your thought's Roxanne. It was very hard to strike the right balance with this post. I wanted to show that I really love and support my kids, but that I also have a life to live and a path to follow of my own.

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  3. Count me in, Rebecca, as one who does not plan to go broke by paying more than we can afford for college/university.

    I love the way you started this post - with examples of characters who were realistic about their circumstances and who worked hard to achieve the best life possible.

    I've had conversations with people who think that getting a student loan is one step above shameful. They will do whatever it takes to get their children in the college of choice and spend their money to do so.

    My first daughter is going to college a year from now. Thankfully, our state offered the savings program when our 3 kids were babies, so we'll be okay with state schools. However, I'll admit that we are not limiting Girl #1 to in-state, BUT, it HAS to work out financially if she is interested in an out of state school.

    I think parents go overboard in the "helicoptor" because of the environment they live in. My neighbors are middle and upper middle economically, and choice of college seems to be major. The talk puts fear in each other, something that I try not fo feed into, though admittedly, it concerns me once in a while.
    The goal for my kid is a JOB that they don't mind doing. :) And people presume you won't get one if you're not on the right path.
    I'm saying too much, but will end with saying that I wrote a post on June 17 titled, "The Road from Higher Education," which voices some the concerns about our children as adults. In a nutshell, though, I don't believe in guarantees; or more so, the closest thing to a guarantee is the hard work and independance that you spelled out so thoughtfully in this post.

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    1. I think things are a little different here in Canada, but only a little. We have our share of top ten schools just as you have, but on a smaller scale that reflects our population of course. We also have our pride as parents and want 'the best' for our kids. I'll admit my pride was tested by this post but I decided that the risk to reveal my humble family finances was worth it :)
      Thanks so much for adding your thoughts to the discussion. I'm delighted that so many parents have spoken up both here and on Facebook with this post. It's good to talk about it. I usually read all your posts, but I may have missed the one you mentioned. I will check it out!
      As an older man I know said, 'The only security we have is what is between our ears.'

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  4. Finally....I have never been able to buy into having to pay for the post secondary education. My eldest put herself through university, studying full time and working full time.....she was on the Dean's List most of the time. Completed her degree in three years and no debts at the end of it.

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    1. Good for your daughter. Wow! It's amazing what we can accomplish if we truly have the desire.

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  5. Rebecca...as usual...a thoughtful post and wise one as well. We feel the same way...and even though we would LOVE to be able to offer MORE in the way of cash for our children's education we cannot do it but will do all we can to support them as THEY take responsibility for their own futures....I do NOT want my children to feel "entitled" and HOPE that we do not foster that in them! I want them to learn the GOOD in working for what they need/want.

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    1. Thank you Jill! I know your kids are already getting the best sort of 'education' in your wonderful household. They will do well in the world, I'm sure of it.

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  6. I think you and your boys are doing an excellent job. They are learning to work for what they want and will appreciate it so much more. You are also teaching them responsibility at a young age.
    I used to work at a university and saw many students who took their education for granted. They would skip classes and sometimes be dropped due to grades. And I think a lot of those students were given a free ride from their parents. But if they had to work to have the privilege of an education, they wouldn't take it so lightly. The hardest thing to see were the students who worked hard but had to leave the university due to lack of funds. I felt like they might be losing their only chance to get out of their circumstances. Then you have the ones that can go and don't seize the opportunity. Both cases seem to be a great loss. I give you and your boys credit for finding the right balance and succeeding.

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  7. Sounds like your boys are learning independence and responsibility. Good for them and for you for teaching them a good work ethic.

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    1. Thanks very much for your thoughts, LC. Having worked at a University, you really did have first-hand experience :)

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  8. oh i def agree that our generation has perpetuated the issue...i think in some ways its the back lash, pendulum swinging too far back the other direction from the way we were raised...also an awareness thing of the world around us and trying to keep up with the jones...oy i could go on and on with this one...smiles.

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    1. Haha...yes, my mother would call that 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater.'

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  9. College isn't going anywhere. I think it's better to attend when we really understand the purpose of it. I know plenty of kids (and you probably do too) who go to college after high school for lack of any other plan. Then it turns out to be a waste. Sounds like your kids are pretty level headed!

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I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!