January 2, 2013

A New Year's Resolution...of Sorts



I have, for the first time in a long time, made a New Year's resolution. Perhaps it would be better thought of as a personal theme for the upcoming year, because resolutions are too often broken. I should know. I have yet to run a marathon, or a half marathon, for that matter.

The interesting thing about this resolution, is that the need for it has been building up for a while without my realizing it. The last couple of months of 2012 were fairly challenging for me, personally. While quite adept at dealing with the various ups and downs of family life this year: my husband's emergency surgery, a big and happy family wedding in the summer, our eldest son moving out, etc. etc., I have not been quite myself in other ways, suffering a bit from a mini identity crisis, which has chipped away at my confidence bit by bit. Most people go through difficult phases from time to time, but the fact of the universality of the problem doesn't seem to make it any easier on the individual. So, come December, I was sending out mixed signals to my friends and family, which, while confusing for them, was much more so for me. I will elaborate.

I am ambitious, but I'm also a self-preservationist. I want to achieve greatness, but I also need a good night's sleep. I need to work, both for financial reasons and for my sense of self, but I also need to be entirely flexible for the sake of my family - my husband often works long hours and we have no nearby relatives to rescue us in a pinch. I want to live a life of integrity and creativity, but I am often distracted by that odious mother-in-law of a word: 'should'. Sometimes I feel as if I'm living my life as a version of Dr. Dolittle's pushmi-pullyu, a sort of antelope/unicorn cross which has two heads and and a pair of corresponding legs at opposite ends of its body. When it tries to move, both heads and pairs of legs try to go in opposite directions, which leads the duck in the story to ask, "How does it make up its mind?" How indeed.

On a good day, the answer to my dilemma becomes quite clear and refreshingly obvious to me: I must do what I must do. I am essentially a creative person, so whatever I do must not drain my creativity. That in itself is an act of self-preservation, but it is, at the same time, ambitious because the world is rather against that way of living. The world seems to like people who think of creativity as child's play, and who strive to live within the acceptable norms of society, especially once they have grown up. I have never been very good at 'normal', but what is 'normal' anyway? My clever nephew, and the talented and creative musician James Lamb says, "Normal is just a setting on a dryer."

Although I really do enjoy preparing for Christmas I was still struggling through December and trying to keep a stiff upper lip for the sake of everyone in my life. One day after Christmas, when I was preparing the leftover turkey for soup, my girls were watching the last Harry Potter film, parts one and two. With an ear and sometimes an eye on the television, I went about my work in the kitchen. When the broth was bubbling away, I made a cup of tea and joined the girls in the living room. I have enjoyed the Harry Potter books and movies, but I would not call myself an avid fan of the series, or of fantasy stories in general. However, as the story's climax unfolded I felt a rising sense of something other than mere entertainment in the battles on the screen. After Harry and his friends had finally defeated the evil Voldemort I felt genuinely inspired, and I knew why. I believe the reason for the huge popularity of stories like Harry Potter is that they encourage us - in the real sense of the word - to fight for what is right, and to discern what, and who for that matter, is real and worthy in our lives.

Perhaps the key to living the way I want to live is to just get over trying to make so many different people happy, which is hard for me because one of the things I like to do is to make people happy. Perhaps the things in life which give me joy and a sense of fulfillment should be enough for me and for those who love me; it has been said by someone wise, "Do what you love and the money will follow." But here we come to the crux of the matter. I need courage to focus on what I love and what I love only, especially when it is not something easily understood by many to be worth spending time and energy on. I do know, in my heart of hearts, that I am going to be most unhappy if I veer away from my true purpose, as I think most people truly are. Most of the important people in my life assure me that something will work out for me, and to keep faith in the process. Perhaps I should pin up their photos all around my computer to remind me to believe in myself - except that's not really my style.

So, the theme of this coming year, if it has not already obvious, is to be more courageous and to have more spirit and more faith, not to mention more patience. It is time to practice what I preach to my children. True, the need for this resolution could have happened at any time in the year, so I find its timing interesting. I suppose the turning of the calendar from one year to the next is as good a time as any to acquire some new virtues. As Winston Churchill said, "Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities...because it is the quality that guarantees all others." Here's hoping...wish me luck?

I wish everyone a happy and healthy New Year. Photo by Shutterstock/nito

26 comments:

  1. Nice to read your words again! I wish you courage, and have gained a little myself just reading this. I too am pushing myself to find what is true and right for me. Courage!

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  2. And it's so nice to hear from you again!
    Wishing you all the best in 2013! Let's do this! :)

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  3. Hoo boy, do I hear ya. Too bad we can't go to Stella's and hash.
    I love being a mom, a "homemaker", but we do lose a bit of ourselves when we take on that job. I'm dealing with these same questions. I hope 2013 is a good a purposeful year for us both!

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    1. Really? I am glad, because I'm starting to feel like a broken record. Oh well, here we go into a new year. Meet you at Stella's in spirit anyway :)

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  4. Of course your family needs you. I wonder though how different it would be if you weren't so available as I expect 95% of the time an own devices approach would be more of a teaching opportunity for the kids. Your mate is a different story of course. There is a powerful aspect of co-traveler and sometimes a look or touch can stabilize waters churned up by outside events. I think kinda what I'm saying and to prolong the aquatic theme I've got going. You both have built a harbour, but that doesn't mean you don't feel the big ocean outside. Nor does it mean the swell cannot damage inside the haven. What you cannot do though is allow the sideways and front to back movement through you. Nor can you focus too much on it either. Remember seasickness is combated by looking ahead and allowing the body to compensate for the movement. This given you have a seaworthy vessel to sail in the first place. So brace yourself and stand with the feet apart and tuck your chin in and head back. That's the error women make. Always think high heels above the knee strapless LBD. If that concoction doesn't train you to keep 57 balls in the air simultaneously nothing can. But you eventually get over that the bust could slip, the hem could lift, the heel could give or horror of horrors you forget to attach magnets to the knees when you sit down giving an eyeful to the community, and enjoy yourself.
    So buck up woman, if the stories are half true your brood is doing nicely. And if you need to treat yourself now and again(and himself)so be it, the kids will be grand.

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    1. Ahoy, matey. The main thing here is that I have two very capable teenagers living at home. They can do all sorts of things for themselves, especially my older daughter, who can cook dinner, and lots of other stuff besides. However, I still have an 11 year old, who is the main focus here. I will not leave her at home to fend for herself while everyone else is at work - and my two at-home teenagers have jobs. She deserves the full benefit of that 'safe harbour' while I am itching to prove myself in the world at large, make some money to pull us up beyond survival mode, follow my dreams, etc. So here I stay, anchored to the mast, mainly happy, but looking for some little adventure of my own.
      Cheers!
      Rebecca

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    2. My point is that they don't need you in the same way, not that they don't need you. And even the eleven year old needs to know you can be found not where you are 24/7 like in the past.

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    3. True. But I'll need a cell phone :-)

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  5. Your words insprie me as well. You are a beautiful writer Rebecca!!! Happy New Year to you and your amazing family!

    Veronica

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    1. Thanks Veronica! I wasn't going to share this one on Facebook because it's pretty personal, but then I thought I might because some women seemed encouraged by it. I'm so glad you were, too.
      Happy New Year, and wishing you all good things throughout 2013!

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  6. Ah Rebecca, it is the personal ponderings that are most worth sharing. Your writing reflects your personal conundrum most eloquently. While not all of us have the same situation as you it seems we all have something getting in the way of our dreams. What I love most about reading your blog is that you have dreams, big ones. I also love that you know yourself well and that you honour the creative being that you are. You inspire all of us to push ourselves just a little more. My new year's blog is still rattling around in my head but it won't be far off the picture you've painted. While your theme is 'courage', mine will be 'embrace'. I loved my son's blog http://ifyouletmeplay.blogspot.ca/2013/01/a-word-for-2013.html?spref=fb , his theme is 'thrive' and my sister-in-law's blog (http://sherrandmeyer.wordpress.com/2012/12/23/one-little-word/ ), her theme is 'truth'. I do like the idea of a theme rather than a resolution. Good luck in finding the balance between supporting others and honouring yourself. If you find a solution this may be the ticket to your financial dilemna as well. Your blog, as always, is inspiring Rebecca!

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    1. Thanks so much Roxanne. I will be sure to check out the links you provided here!

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  7. I wish you luck with your theme. It is a very admirable one. All we can do is try our best. I understand that feeling of being torn. I guess we have to compromise to make it all work. But that is not a good feeling. It tends to make us feel like we are letting everybody down...including ourselves. I'm still struggling with this and would like to hear more about how you keep your courage going as you progress through the year.

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    1. You've given me an idea for a future post - always appreciated :) All the best to you, LadyCat.

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  8. nice...i like your theme for the year...keep it out in front of yourself and i am sure you will do fine...right before that you hit on something though that really triggered with me...and that is trying to make so many people happy ...i think we lose a lot to expectations we feel are put upon us...and that is resonating with me into the new year...

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    1. Yes, there is something in that for sure. I need to do a bit of 'housecleaning' over the next while when it comes to expectations.

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  9. You have struck a chord with this piece. Courage. I was talking about this on Friday with a friend who has tremendous can -do self belief. I put it down to the sort of school she went to, in part. Then my brother and I carried on the theme. We joked about issuing ourselves regular personal challenges before we topple into senescence.
    How interesting to hear your thoughts.

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  10. Struck a chord even with you, whom I revere for your, from all appearances, intelligence, wit, cooking skills and elegant taste? But we can't tell much from appearances, can we? We all have struggles, no matter what. I'm finally beginning to realize that.
    Senescence is a terrific word, but I had to look it up to find its meaning. If it's any consolation, I think you are wonderful. I'm sure your brother is, too :-)

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  11. Oh I do wish you all of the luck in the world. I think, speaking for myself, as a Mama, a wife, a daughter and a sister I find myself pulled in so many directions at once. It is so easy to get "lost". I love your theme, your passion. You will succeed!

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    1. Thanks, Stephanie. It seems the women know exactly what I am talking about here :)

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  12. Aaaaahh, Rebecca...a VERY thought provoking post...and you have shared yourself beautifully. I do not wish you ANY confusion or unrest but find that you speak to me as I often struggle with "what is my TRUE purpose?" It teaches me that we ALL struggle with this from time to time as we push forward through life. YOU have managed to put it quite eloquently into words.

    Your resolution for 2013 will most certainly bless you!

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    1. Thanks, Jill. I know that many people feel the same way as I do, and I am somewhat overwhelmed by the response I have been getting to this post, which I at first thought was so small a thing. You just never know...you just have to put yourself out there, stand back and see what happens. Now, time to start this week's post!

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  14. Courage is a crazy thing in the modern world, as you have clearly illustrated. Courage to do right by yourself and your personal standards … courage to step out of your 'norm'. Sometimes it seems they are at odds. But .... I had a revelation a while back, that you reminded me of, Rebecca. It was that, our courage serves us when we step out of our norm, try something and decide that, well, that sucked! Or it wasn't the path after all. It takes courage to ditch something or really change it up after that first new effort. No one says anything has to be good to start with or that it has to be forever. As the most awesome author and writing mentor, Ann Lamott says, it's all about doing that shitty first draft. Then decide to carry on, or get out a box of red pens for editing.

    I love your theme for the year, courage is not as easy as it sounds, and deserves a year of our lives to concentrate on. I second that emotion!

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    1. Thanks Terrill! I know it will be a long road, but I have made some very good first steps. I also just watched a great 'TED talk' that Ian sent me this morning. It really puts things into perspective for me, too.

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I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!