Dance Crazy

Last weekend, the 2010 film Black Swan was on TV. I had never seen it, but I knew it was a psychological thriller/horror film. I have never enjoyed horror as a genre, but I have always loved ballet, so decided to give it a try. The real world has plenty enough horrors for this sensitive gal, and up until quite recently in my life, I had trouble separating fiction from reality when it came to watching anything really frightening or gory on a screen. I can now say, "It's just a movie" (with varying levels of success). I lasted through an hour of Black Swan. (I did say 'varying'). I searched up the synopsis, found out there was a lot of dancing at the end, turned the channel to something else, and then tuned back into the film for the last fifteen minutes. You may say 'wimp'. I say 'self care'. That whole scene with the broken glass tipped the scales for me.

The incredibly competitive nature of ballet, the toll on the mind and body, the sometimes boundary-crossing nature of the student/teacher relationship, and the shortness of the career of a prima ballerina were all aspects of the professional world of dance covered in the film. The two stars, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis said they had no idea how competitive ballet was, and how rigorous the life of a dancer, until they were making the film. Natalie had danced until the age of thirteen, and still had a fairy-tale dream of it all, while Mila had no experience. They both worked with professional teachers and lived on carrots and some kind of lean protein until they were down from their already svelte figures to those of  professional ballet dancers, a loss of twenty pounds each. They both also said the film changed them and their careers forever. Natalie Portman won her first Oscar for her role in Black Swan, and Mila Kunis was taken seriously as a multi-faceted actor from then on.

Black Swan is meant to highlight the perils of perfectionism, as Natalie Portman's character demands nothing less of herself and descends (further) into madness. I couldn't help but think of real-life dancers like Evelyn Hart, the great former prima ballerina of the Royal Winnipeg Ballet. She battled anorexia nervosa throughout her career. She often reached perfection in her dancing, but at what cost I wonder. She also reportedly felt forced out of the RWB on account of her age. She is now teaching and encouraging young dancers. I hope she is a good mentor. 

My mom put me in ballet at age five or six for a year or two, then again at age ten until the fabulous new teacher who said I showed promise moved back to Winnipeg. I took it up again, along with jazz dance, at age sixteen and danced intensively for four years. If I had trained consistently, from age six, my skill would have been much higher, but I still enjoyed my time struggling and striving at the Question of Balance School of Dance. My teacher told us about how her career had been cut short after she was pressured to dance on an injured foot. She was determined not to ruin our bodies, too. We danced in a former schoolhouse with the old cloakroom acting as dressing room and a rural view of the river from the many windows of the main classroom. Our experience was a far cry from the set-in-New York City Black Swan. The other girls were kind and encouraging to me, and we had a lot of fun together. 

I used to lie in bed at night begging God to let me be a dancer. After four years I asked my dance teacher if she thought I had what it took to pursue a career in dance. She suggested a dance-adjacent career like arts journalism or administration. While discouraged, I auditioned for Simon Fraser University's dance program anyway. I remember the audition process being pretty standard if all the dance movies I had watched were anything to go on. I was fairly proud of myself for keeping up to the other dancers and giving it my best effort, even after overhearing a couple of boys backstage rating all of the girls' bodies - I was used to that, too, although it made me angry. I did not make it in to the main program. They sat a group of us down and said we should take a year of dance classes in the department, along with other general first year courses, and reapply the next year. I was crushed, and believed the writing was on the wall. I decided not to attend SFU and went to UBC instead to study English and Humanities with a view to becoming a teacher. All my life people had told me I would make a good teacher. Only my mother had really encouraged me to seek a life in the world of dance. If not for her I never would have tried.

I do think you have to be physically and mentally tough to embark on a career in dance. Black Swan is an extreme example of that world, but the competitiveness and the toll on the body are real. Young girls romanticize careers like ballet and modeling, but they can be brutal for women because they are such demanding and relentless ways of being. Something the current generations are good at is questioning and demanding answers for why the generations before them accepted certain attitudes. My generation grew up with hustle culture, 'no pain, no gain', diet culture, and body negativity, and I know the current generations are pushing back against these social norms. I hope that increasingly, dancers, models, and actors don't have to nearly kill themselves, or shove aside their ethics, for the sake of their craft.

 I still enjoy ripping it up on the dance floor. Once in a while, someone will come up to me and say, "I love watching you dance!" and that's such a good feeling. Some things we can do simply for the joy of it.  

'til next time, 

Rebecca

Becoming Village People

I've heard a lot of talk in the last few years amongst the millennial generation about the desire for community, or 'the village' as some of them call it. Many millennials feel a lack of connection and a lack of working together for the common good of a group of people. Some young online influencers have theories as to what makes them feel disconnected. Maybe it's the internet with its strangely isolating social media platforms and barrage of doom. Maybe it is general malaise and isolation of the self in an increasingly complex society. Some young social media influencers present advice for others on how to foster community by reaching out, asking for help, and sharing what they have to offer in return.  I am not a millennial, only an observer, but I cannot help but feel for them. I have been a part of several communities over the years, and have benefitted hugely. 

For most of us, our first community is the family unit. I was the youngest of six children, so our family may even have qualified as a village, or maybe a hamlet. I don't remember ever being alone in the house until i was probably in my teens. I was surrounded by my community, whether I liked it or not. I had to learn to get along, put up with annoyances and teasing, and stand up for myself. On the other hand, I was very rarely lonely.

While I was born and raised in one community, once I left home I moved around a lot in the first eleven years of my independent life. I went to university in Vancouver, made a couple of friends there, got married, had a child, and then moved to a small town when my husband was hired by BC Parks. The first thing I did when I moved to the small town was find an organized group for new parents. Two mornings a week I would walk with my little boy to an unidentified hall somewhere and share stories and concerns with other parents (mostly moms), listen to guest speakers, eat snacks and drink coffee, then trek back home. On other days I went down to the coffee shop where regulars gathered to drink more coffee and discuss the news of the day. I didn't expect close friendships, just connection and some sort of social life. My husband and I frequented an excellent bakery in the town. The owner's daughter who worked there, would fill a big bag with bread and treats and never accept more than five dollars for it despite our protestations. I don't know why she did that, but we were so touched by her kindness. Money was tight in those early days, and every bit helped. Mary-Lou did not become a particularly close friend and we lost touch over the years, but I remember her so fondly as someone who made the village that much sweeter. 

When we moved again for another job I was lucky enough to already have a good friend from university in that town. We started a book club together and I invited some other moms I had met at the mom's group to join. I made friends with the owner of a local cafe and vintage shop. We traded various items and I still have a cabinet she gave me in exchange for an old wardrobe and some vintage chenille bedspreads. 

Alas, just as we were falling in love with living in that town, my husband was transferred to Vancouver Island where we knew almost no one. I quickly found a parent community through the Tot Stop which was held in the basement of a church. Again, I didn't expect deep friendships to come of it, just somewhere to go with my two little boys and relate to other parents deep in the trenches of parenthood, but a walking group came of it. The city park was where I met a very great friend. She saw me with my two boys in the same age range as her two boys and simply walked up to us declaring that we should be friends. She was new in town, too. We spent many happy times together over the seven years we lived on the Island. After two years in one Island community, we moved up Island to a remote and tiny lodge community. Finding 'the village' there was a huge challenge after the convenience of living within walking distance of every service we needed. For me, however, not fostering community was not an option. I persisted in finding ways to relate to the people around me. A small handful of young families made up the year-round lodge community, and eventually we started a kind of community pre-school. We took turns coming up with activities for the kids. Another lodge employee held movie nights. Every day the families would meet up at the basketball court or the beach, depending on the time of year. The lodge owners' nanny became a great friend, and her home became the kids' gathering place. Our time was not always easy in that tiny, but mega-beautiful lakeside community, but we made it work and reaped the rewards.

When we moved to the Fraser Valley our three older kids were school age, so it was easy to strike up conversations with other parents during school pick-up. We also made friends with people from the little church we attended. The town was small and we soon felt part of the village. New friends introduced us to other friends, and my desire to become involved in my community was answered (and then some!) I was asked to provide daycare by a woman from church. She was a teacher and had a son one year older than my youngest who was just a toddler at the time. When word got out that I was providing daycare another teacher I met at a Thanksgiving dinner asked if I would consider looking after her son, too. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship and highly beneficial connection that has lasted more than twenty years. We traded daycare for organic beef and chickens raised on their farm, and my youngest was never lonely while her siblings were at school. Now, we trade puzzles and I am part of their garden co-op.

As I write this little history of the communities I have been lucky enough to be a part of, I realize that in all of them I was able to meet people through having children. I met many other people along the way through shared interests, but my children were my main conduit to community in each new place we moved to. I am hugely grateful that I am not having to move at my age to yet another town where I know no one. It can be much harder to find community when you're older. If I did have to move again, I would find somewhere to volunteer. I might take a class or join a theater group (backstage work is really fun). These days I spend a fair amount of time alone, which suits me after all those years of being a social butterfly, but I truly value the times I do get to spend with cherished friends and family members. My husband works at another remote lodge environment and I have taken the winter off to spend more time with him. I also spend time checking in with friends and my extended family members, some of whom are aging and needing a little more support. 

'The village' I am part of now could be represented like a map with many pins in it. Some of the pins are faded, and some have fallen out, but all are important to me. I have always had people I can call when things go awry. I have been that person for others, and I am grateful. I don't know how to advise the next generations on how to foster community and create that longed-for village. They have to figure it out for themselves, and they will. No person is an island (especially if they live on one!). The only thing I would tell young people is that connection is entirely worth the effort, the mistakes made, and the risk of rejection. I know I made social mistakes, as all young people do, but I still felt myself worthy of social connection and my place in the village. Everyone is worthy of community, of face-to-face interaction. Nothing replaces real human connection. 

"We are called to be strong companions and clear mirrors to one another, to seek those who reflect with compassion and a keen eye how we are doing, whether we seem centered or off course … we need the nourishing company of others to create the circle needed for growth, freedom and healing."-Wayne Muller