May 3, 2013

The Audition

The Violinist by Thomas Eakins


As we sat on one of the many sofas in the music building's lobby, or stood, or walked around the campus, I observed the other parents who had brought their talented children to audition for the university's music program. Our boy had put a year of his life into preparing for this audition, taking music theory, history and harmony courses, studying tutorials online and wrestling to conquer a difficult Bach Fugue and a Mendelssohn concerto until he could play them upside down and backwards, or so it seemed. Our family, just like all the other families in the room, had found the money for private lessons and supported our child from his first days of drawing a scratchy bow across his quarter-sized violin strings, and I wondered how the other parents were feeling that day as they also waited. I was not nervous because I knew in my heart that even if he was not accepted into the orchestral performance program, he would be able to say that he could not have done more to prepare for his chance to show the department what he could do. At the end of the day of theory tests and a private audition with the heads of both the strings department and the orchestral department, our boy came out smiling, giving us the thumbs up. Everything had gone according to plan for him.

Our son began with the Suzuki method, which encourages children and parents to practice together. I had taken years of piano lessons and so downstairs we would go after supper each night to practice. We went through five levels of Suzuki before the piano accompaniment became too complicated for me, but I also think it was time for the two of us to go our separate ways. I was often tired after a busy day of working and mothering, and I confess my patience was a little on the thin side. We sometimes argued about a passage and how to get it right. I'll admit that I pushed him fairly hard in those days, recognizing his talent and wanting him to strive to be the best he could be. Somehow I just knew I could not let him give up on himself, and I hoped to teach him that hard work, perseverance and steady progress would overcome his frustrations, which seemed to be as regular as his many victories. He could be very difficult sometimes, and emotional, but over the years he learned to regulate and harness those emotions to feed his technical talent and make it into something beautiful.  Once the piano parts were beyond me I decided it was time to step back and let him figure out if he wanted to continue on without me holding, or squeezing, his hand, so to speak, through every practice. He had a short crisis, but got through it and committed to his music on his own terms. He was thirteen. Since then he has developed an excellent work ethic which has crossed over to other areas of his life. He also knows how to relax, and when it is important to do so.

I was not pushed as a child. I was the sixth of six children, so that may have had something to do with it. I practiced my piano, but was never made to take an exam. I never once passed a set of swimming lessons due to the fact that I could not float or swim on my back. I did not need pushing to do well at school, and I was challenged plenty by my parents' way of living and bringing up their children, which was fairly strict and scrupulously honest. Nobody, however, hovered over me like a helicopter at any time in my memory, nor did they inflict their agenda on any of my 'talents', dubious as they were.

I have often wondered if I could have done with some more pushing. I have this sense that I sort of floated through childhood. Apparently, I resisted being organized into any activity such as Brownies (girl scouts) or sports before the age of ten. I remember a lot of playing and a lot of reading, always piano and some ballet lessons, and a lot of teasing from my brothers, whom I loved after all. Nor have I pushed my other three children. Sure, I made them all take music lessons, at least for a few years, and insisted they do their best in school, but besides my violinist, I have sort of sat back while they all excelled far beyond my expectations. I have stepped in when necessary and been their main cheerleader and psychologist, but after asking my daughter last night if she ever felt I pushed her and having her respond 'No' with a laugh, I am confident that my approach has been appropriate.  Their dad and I have striven to help them learn to discipline themselves so that they gain satisfaction in their various accomplishments. I want the best for them, of course, but it is not my best. It is their best.

One hears from time to time of children who were pushed relentlessly by their parents to excel, and grew up to hate them. As I looked around the lobby of the university music building I wondered if any of the parents there had done so. I hoped not. I also reflected that perhaps my lack of skill at the piano had saved our situation. For once, I was glad I had not been more proficient.

Our son waited for a couple of weeks for news from the university. I was in the kitchen one morning when he came in saying, "Guess what!" He didn't wait for me to answer. "I got accepted into the program." I gave him a hug and phoned his dad at work - he was ecstatic and so proud.

We have a lovely new spring recipe over at Stella's Virtual Cafe: Roasted beet and Spinach Salad with Citrus Vinaigrette.   Have a lovely weekend! It's going to be positively summery here. 

18 comments:

  1. Rebecca, your struggle is evident in your words and emotions and,knowing your son, know that whatever you and Vern did, you did it right. He is a terrific young man. It's difficult, particularly for boys I've found, to find that lovely balance between having a natural gift and understanding that that gift could be even more beautiful given a little discipline. Galen has "found" that balance. I remember our oldest daughter yelling at me one day, "I hate being a Watson and I hate basketball. I only play because you make me." We went for a long walk that day to sort out her feelings and our expectations. She is a very disciplined person who now has amazing balance in her life. We are grateful now for staying the course with all four of the kids. We believe they have grown into wonderful people. Thanks for sharing again! It brought back a lot of memories for me. All the best to Galen at UBC. I look forward to hearing about life on campus from him and you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Roxanne. I didn't draw any sharp conclusions here because I think I wanted to express that we as parents must adapt to each child in each separate situation. This was a good process for me to go through, writing this, as I had some deep questions about it myself! I know you are very proud of your great kids!

      Delete
  2. Well done to all of you.

    I wouldn't be worried about the kids too much. It's not as if you can go back and take other routes. Frankly I don't believe it much matters. Or to put it another way. Parents are the greatest fuel for adult talk therapy that they should buy shares an help keep themselves in their dotage. Mostly I think what kids need is the space that allows them to feel safe enough to risk. And that you and your mate did if one quarter of what you write is true. You can pat yourself on the back for that.

    Again congrats to the fresher.

    Oh P.S., you think you'll have extra cash do you now you've got him away. Not one bit of it. He'll get stipends, bursaries and perhaps even outright grants but you're expected to top them up. They are ALWAYS pitched to 70-80% of the needful. :-D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not so worried, and my son read this and said there wasn't anything objectionable in it...so high praise indeed. My parents believed in your approach of giving their kids space to grow into themselves. I admit I struggled with this as a parent in the early days. I'm better now and not seeking therapy at this time ;)
      P.S. I suffer no such illusions.

      Delete
  3. Congratulations to your son!!! What an honor! Sounds like it is well deserved for all his hard work and dedication.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I might be biased, LadyCat, but he DOES deserve it :) Thanks.

      Delete
  4. congrats to your son...i think we have to balance the pushing and allowance for natural development...i think that many kids are (hate to use the term) lazy these days and will take the path of least resistance...without resistance there is little growth or change...we as parents have to make sure we are not reliving our lives through them, so child involvement in decisioning is important...oy sorry if i am soap boxing..ha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My kids are often the most critical of their 'lazy' peers, and the biggest fans of those that seem to rise above the teenage doldrums.
      Yep, balance and involving the kids is key!

      Delete
  5. Congratulations to your son! How exciting for him... and his proud parents! I think we must push a little, but I'm really more a find-your-own-path kind of mom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Abby. You seem like a really supportive, fun and relaxed mother :)

      Delete
  6. As I read, I was reminded of my childhood, how my parents (mostly Mom), put me in a ballet class, piano lessons, a charm/modeling school, Girl Scouts, Karate, and probably something else I'm forgetting. All were very short lived, meaning, I excelled at none - not even close. lol

    When I became an adult, I wondered if I hadn't been pushed enough, but now that I have children, I realize that... what's that saying? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

    I push my kids but know when to throw in the towel. As Abby said, find-your-own-path is more my style.

    Congratulations to your son! I did the equivalent to Suzuki, "Music for Young Children" with my girls. A lotta years sitting on the floor or standing and pointing to notes as they sat at the keyboard in a small class of 6 or less children. I didn't learn piano at 8 years old, but I can play some elementary tunes now - and I enjoy it! I'm sure you enjoy playing, too. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have MFYC here too. Our son enjoyed the twice monthly group lessons in Suzuki. He had the BEST teacher!
      I do enjoy sitting down and playing the piano, as does my daughter whom I knew better than to push when she just came up against a complete mental block when attempting two-handed scales. She plays for the sheer enjoyment of it and I love to listen to her.

      Delete
  7. Congratulations to him! And good luck in his next chapter!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Val! Your eldest must be graduating this year?

      Delete
  8. OH! So very happy for your son and for YOU and your hubbie! SO wonderful to see his hard work pay off in such a positive manner!!!CONGRATS!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am having problems with posting a comment! Will try again with a simple but well intended CONGRATS!!!!!! Such wonderful news!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everyone's comments came up twice in my inbox, but only today...so I'm not sure what happened there!
      Anyway, thanks so much :)

      Delete
  10. I am delighted to hear your news of Galen's success. I must admit I found the resistance to practicing very trying to deal with especially on top of all the homework they had to do. It seemed as though all I did was nag, but between the two of them they tried seven instruments and belonged to choirs of their own volition. And of course our eldest met his future wife through singing. I am glad we were able to give them those opportunities. I don't think I had the energy to push very much!

    ReplyDelete

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!