October 26, 2012

Why Bullying?

Bullying. It has been in the news an awful lot as of late, due to the very publicly aired suicide of Amanda Todd of Coquitlam - a city an hour's drive from here. I am not going to re-tell her story. The information is easily found online. Suffice it to say, her story has brought the issue of bullying, both online and in person, to the forefront. A painful subject, bullying is an issue that sparks controversy as well as dialogue among experts and common folk alike. I've read several articles and heard several more interviews on the CBC on the subject over the past few weeks and thought I might as well throw in my two cents along with everyone else.  

Why do some people feel a need to bully others? A bully is 'one who hurts or browbeats those who are weaker,' so I suppose the action has something to do with a desire for power over others. But what makes someone desire power over another, particularly over someone perceived as being 'weaker' than themselves? Perhaps it comes down to an individual misconceived notion of one's worth being caught up in a sense of domination. If the meek are to inherit the earth, it sure seems like the strong hold it hostage an awful lot in the meantime.

My girls, who are still in the public school system, said that everyone at school has been talking about Amanda Todd's suicide. My elder daughter who is nearly sixteen is questioning the validity of her classmates' jumping on the 'Oh that's so SAD, that should NOT have happened. If she were in our school I would NEVER have treated her the way those mean kids did' bandwagon. My daughters reaction? "Oh really? You're sure about that? If this girl who used drugs, drank bleach, and made a misguided decision to expose her breasts to someone on line, leading to the photo going viral, went to our school, you would reach out to her? I don't think so." I added that my daughter and her friends would most likely have thought of her as 'messed up' and avoided getting close to her. It takes a pretty unusual teenager to assess another beyond appearances. Sadly, the truth is, it usually 'takes one to know one' in that sense.

By all accounts, Amanda Todd did not lack support, either at home or by the school system. Her mother said that right before Amanda's death she appeared to be doing better and had told her mother so.  My sense of things is that, for teenagers, their peer group often wins attention over any other source of opinion. Being called 'whore' and 'porn star' repeatedly by her classmates, after every attempt to change schools for a new start, obviously took its toll. What is wrong with people? Why do they have to be so mean to make themselves appear better than others? Where is the charity? Where is the basic human respect? Where is the kindness? I have heard it said often that we need to create a different climate in our schools, one of acceptance of others' differences, of tolerance, of generosity of spirit, and with this change in climate good will come. No doubt. But if that climate only exists in schools and not in the home or the work place or the world at large, how much headway for change can the school make? I leave these questions for the experts to ponder and quantify.

The CBC has a topical call in radio program called Cross Country Checkup. I wasn't planning to tune in that Sunday afternoon two weekends ago, but I was on my way to an arts council meeting and the radio was on in the car. The topic was bullying and suicide, and one caller got my attention before I had to turn the car off and go into my meeting. He suggested that the hero worship of athletes in high schools does its part in promoting bullying. Athletes tend to be revered by teachers and students alike in many cases, but this sort of admiration can often lead to the admirer overlooking other qualities that are less attractive. (I can remember a few of this sort from my own school days.) The caller went on to say that high school sports, and often the sports world at large, promote aggression, domination, competitiveness, and as we've recently seen in the world of cycling, extends to cheating and drug use. And while in other areas of life these qualities would be reprehensible, they are often accepted in sport, and those who question them are labeled 'whiners' and 'weaklings'.  Hm, I thought, as I turned off the car, he may have a point there. Later, I asked my two teenagers what they thought of the caller's idea. They both thought it had some merit. One of them said, "Well, you can be stupid, and a jerk, but if you're good at sports, they all love you. If you are stupid and a jerk and not good at sports, you get no respect at all." The other said, "I think there is something to that. A lot of behaviour gets overlooked if you are an athlete at school." When I asked my husband, who was an athlete in school, but somehow managed to stay aloof from the politics (I think that was in great part due to skipping a lot of classes to go skiing) he said, without hesitation, "Absolutely. Just look at football and hockey. Guys purposefully coached to 'take someone out', intentionally hurt them, take late hits, cheap shots, and often they get away with it. Why should they? Why are acts of intentional injury tolerated in sport?" Of course this got me thinking in an expanded way about the world we live in, and why bullying is such a problem at all levels.

Unfortunately, I didn't come up with any real answers or profound thoughts on the matter. I know that the world of sport, our schools, our workplaces (I recently heard a program on the quite serious problem of bullying among nurses in hospitals), and our society in general is struggling to deal with the issue and making some advancements. Our own elementary school here has a policy of celebrating each child's gifts and strengths, no matter what they are, and I applaud that policy. Still, the domination of the alpha males and females still carries so much weight in our world. Perhaps the reasons for that fact are more primitive than we would like to admit. I suppose it is up to each of us to look hard at ourselves, our children, our spousal relationships and cut off those bullying tendencies at the knees. Bullying takes many forms - it is a curious shape-shifting thing. It  can be as subtle as using persistent and manipulative language to bend the will of another toward our own agenda, and as outward as the big kid pushing the little kid off the swing in the playground. I remember my own mother saying in no uncertain terms to my big brother when his teasing went so far as to hurt or push me to desperation (I once spit on him from the upstairs balcony in retaliation), "Stop being a bully!"

Perhaps the best way to deal with the bullies in our midst is to keep talking about the subject,  to keep bringing it out into the open. I just hope it doesn't take the tragic death of another young girl to bring it up again.

14 comments:

  1. There are a lot of powerful thoughts in this article, Rebecca! I love that you have addressed it all, so many won't. My own ideas and thoughts have been percolating as well but as you say so eloquently, 'bullying is a curious shape-shifting thing'. So too then are the solutions. What will work for one child won't work for another. What will work in a school won't work in a workplace or a home. It is not a simple thing to define or solve.

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    1. I agree with you. Galen and I were talking about it all on our drive to Chwk last night. He said when he was in school he often wondered and thought about why some people were so mean. He said he never really came up with any answers. You, having worked in the system, would know about various strategies put in place and about how much work there obviously still is to do.

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  2. You have a number of things at play here. So I'll just take the teen bit of it. Not the girl teen but any teen.
    I think the usual changes in the kids from a total family focus to one where they begin to measure their value from the wider group has much to do with opening a kid to this as there is already the belief they are weak within the group. If then, they are given a small push what wouldn't be a problem erupts into a life changing or ending event.
    In this case the questions are being asked too far along the line. The key is in the why she opened her body to display. The why she started to measure her value in that way. For at that point she started laying blocks that virtually nothing could topple.
    Teens see how society places a value on looks. This isn't new. But also teens see how parents place a value on virginity or at least a reduced numbers of relationships. Again there is nothing new about this.
    Now to the bullying. This is something that very few bullies know they are doing. But all those that are bullied know is occurring. Why. It relatively simple. It a question of intent. Don't get me wrong though, you do have psychopaths who trawl groups for weakness, who draw people to them and then direct 'war' against another.
    In conclusion, I don't think this can ever be solved, only monitored. Breakdowns and cracks will occur in ant home and school system put in place to halt things. But what would go some way to ease the situation would be a very direct application of the Harassment Labour Laws on school age kids.

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    1. That's an excellent point about the questions being asked too far along the line. I agree with you that often, bullies need to be educated on the fact that they are, in fact, bullying - they often have no idea their behaviour is abnormal. Perhaps they have a parent or a sibling who bullies them at home. Maybe the focus in education needs to be less now on what to do if you're bullied, but rather on the various forms of bullying and how to recognize it in yourself and stop it. I don't know, but the police do need to become involved at some level with the schools on this.

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    2. Yes, the gaping hole in the child's shields was first exposed to all when she though the display of her chest was a reasonable way to go. That more than anything should have told she was a child at risk. That there is a notion abroad that kids of 12 are engaging in sex is pure hooey and using the silly argument 3 in a population of 10million. And hand wringing about active 15/6 year old's was exactly the same when I was at school as it was with you. But the reality was I never came across it other than gossip of nasty adults playing dirty games against families they didn't like by maligning their hate-figures kid.
      BTW, the very worse form of bullying is that where you don't know is occurring. And that nasty little method is almost exclusively female in design and execution.

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  3. Oh Rebecca what a subject you broach here. The arguments would cover several books I'm sure but in many ways as you seem to be saying, the discussion is the first important step. After that there needs to be real will to truly address issues so complex and so closely related to human instinct. Is it possible? Jings, I'm not sure.

    The subject is so closely tied to humans natural reflexes it's impossible to identify 'the' root cause. For me they're myriad. I absolutely agree that as a modern society we seem to have skewed our perspective away from some absolutely vital core values: integrity: personal and social responsibility: empathy. Call them what you will or list them however.Education has a key role but so must other aspects of our society like family, parenting, government, social and criminal justice and media also look within to what kind of world we are creating and what we will let future generations inherit.

    Corporate and personal greed, envy, the cult of fame and personality, the culture of personal entitlement all erode society and expose the basest instincts to a complete lack of restraint, of consideration. Is this the kind of example we should be teaching kids? Is this a realistic way to live our own lives?

    Like you I don't have answers, only more questions.But I do know that while we will always need to look out for ourselves, if we can't look after others, how on earth can we expect them to look after usif the time oever comes that we need it.

    Thanks rebecca. You made my brain hurt. :-)

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    1. Thanks, Al, for adding to the conversation in such a thoughtful, expansive way. I appreciate what you said very much in this comment, especially how you show concern for future generations and the legacy we are leaving them; the priorities we seem to be passing on are very worrisome.
      Sorry about the ol' brain :)

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  4. we have a pretty extensive program in our school this year to address bullying and we have out 'top 5' that we have drilled into our kids heads as well...i think taking any of it seriously is hugely important...better to deal with it than have it go on...it is much more behind the scenes these days...and kids are pushing the envelope as well...have access to more...and have less in the way of structure at home...

    not sure if you caught my post a week ago, but there was a plot foiled where one of my kids was partnering with another to come shoot up out classroom....crazy stuff...kids should not have access to stuff like that...

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    1. I will definitely check out your post! I'm glad to hear your school is proactive.

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  5. I hesitated to Google Amanda Todd, but felt that I needed to bravely do so. Her life was valuable and meaningful, as all our lives are, and I needed to honor her in some way now that you've told me about her.

    A mere child... it's so sad. And even more sad, is the fact that this is happening to others at this very moment.

    Thank you for posting about it; something that can not be swept under the carpet. It is a reminder to me to continue to educate my daughters on how to avoid predators and bullies, and to act (alert adults) when they witness the viciousness that is saturating our world.

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    1. Her story is heartbreaking, and all too common.
      "viciousness that is saturating our world.." indeed.

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  6. They exist in the workplace, too. I am far from weak but have somehow become someone's attempted target. No worries that I'll end up like poor Amanda, don't worry. I may eventually get fired for defending myself, but I'll not be anyone's doormat...

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    1. Good for you. I hope justice will prevail in your situation, Jen.

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I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!